You never forget your First Love
Do you still want to wake up to their morning wishes, frame lines that can get you back with them, still rehearse what to say to look more convincing, still long for their company, are you on the prowl for that smile, those lashes and that fragrance in every other person you meet.
Do you think you may never be able to forget them?
These questions made me ponder on the thought that why that 'scent which has gone cold' still haunting us. Why we hang by that little heartbreak which seems like a mountain on our chest, a pang of guilt troubling our hearts, and many untold stories lodged in our throats.
The epiphany of the word LOVE which is felt more than it is clearly expressed, the greatest virtue, the longings, and the cravings turn it to a mystery that is hard to explain.
The cinema running in front of your eyes and sometimes your best friend cum love advisor might pull you to a different world of 'love-lie' speculation but what psychology says about this undefined feeling.
The cinema running in front of your eyes and sometimes your best friend cum love advisor might pull you to a different world of 'love-lie' speculation but what psychology says about this undefined feeling.
Curious? Join me!!
The moment when you first saw them, you immediately felt your heart pounding, that smile made you crazy, that touch made you numb; that emptiness in your heart still gives you goosebumps.
Yes! calm down; it's just a few specific chemical substances such as oxytocin, phenethylamine, and dopamine running down your nerves and not the scent they are wearing.
Yes! calm down; it's just a few specific chemical substances such as oxytocin, phenethylamine, and dopamine running down your nerves and not the scent they are wearing.
According to the triangular theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg, there are three components of love namely; intimacy, passion, and commitment.
- Intimacy encompasses feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
- Passion encompasses drives connected to both limerance and sexual attraction.
- Commitment encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other person.
Psychology says a lot about love and affection and how heartbreak can be dealt with by reversing the process of falling in love itself. The most interesting thing I came across while researching about the truths of 'First love' and if you truly can unlove someone is what this blog post is all about.
So ever came across that urge to lodge an FIR against your Exes. Let me dissect the chagrin for you.
"What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So far at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again."
~ Dionne Warwick
That sob, that pain will vanish one day but every time you will hear it calling you will fall in love again. Yes! The human brain doesn't work any differently when you encounter these two contradictory but strong feelings of love and hate. The same chemicals overpower you every time but what happens after that heartbreak requires attention to detail.
Now, it's not the brain that functions post the chemical run down of your system, but it's your senses at work now. You must have heard of the maxim "you never forget your first love". Surprise! I have every evidence supporting that very maxim is true.
So sit back and tighten your seatbelts; because we are up for a time travel.
Do you remember who she/he with whom you experienced that virtuous gratitude, that numbness, that chemical run down? Of course, you do. But do you also remember how they looked into the eyes, how they use to call you by different names, what it felt when they hold you in arms?
Yes. Time to find, Why?
Human senses especially the skin remembers every touch, every caress, and every gesture. It acts as a dark data bank; and every time someone else (new) touches you it retrieves the old data and matches that feed, and that is how you can know if someone close to you touches you when you are asleep or have your eyes closed.
What? Confused why you feel weak before you commit to a new someone?
Because your senses juxtaposes the similar feelings you had when you loved someone with all your heart.
Getting nostalgic? Hold on, it's not over yet.
Your first love experience becomes indelibly ingrained in the brain in the most vivid, memorable way, It's often impossible to forget due to what possibilities or situation this feeling might present. We feel an expansion of our own human experience. Our brains work better and adjust to every situation when we are in love for the first time. Our brain restores that face, those long pale fingers, that smile, and even those curves for instance. Thus, you never are falling out of those memories even when you find someone extraordinarily beautiful, intelligent, or rich (yeah!). Your cellular nerves will nudge you to find a similar face, smile, hair, or skin texture.
Try answering these. Why you find men with a beard more fascinating? Why you chose a movie over coffee dates? Why you want your women to try red color lipstick?
Relatable?
Your first love is the most intense thing you have done. And no matter if you find your second or third love to be true and best, but what you remember about the first is the intesity; that intensity your brain translates into the memory and all you remember is that you loved them the most which again is not true always.
The first love not only makes you open about your wants and desires but makes you communicate them well to your partner. And since you already have communicated so much, your senses find it difficult to recall and reiterate.
Ever wondered why you don't want to answer the questions related to your hobbies or your likes/dislikes anymore. This lag will trigger your memory again.
If you're experiencing the same. Don't stop here, I got you.
If you have read until here, you must have understood it well that it's our endocrine and nervous system playing the hide and seek with us. So, if the human is placed high in the order of intelligence, we have the ways out of this game.
Now, be very clear that life accepts to change the way we want it to. It's our job to control our brains, our senses, and our lives. Do I need to convince you any more to stop this emotional sequel that you playing on a loop?
Here are a few suggestions by top psychologists and love-life experts I have compiled for you to help you get yourself out of the 'heartbreak panorama' -
- Tame your brain, it's not at all a difficult task to do. When you know your first love or second, third doesn't need you or you don't need them, you both don't fit well, doesn't want a union; it's your job to take control of your chemical fantasies.
- Reversing the process is not always about erasing the memories of your ex-partner but it's about learning to love yourself again. We get engrossed into them so much that we lost the track of our good well being. Take control of your independent self.
- Don't go for rebounds, this will not only make you sadder but will run someone else out of energy to please you. Don't inflict pain when you are trying to deal with one.
- Practice the things you love doing alone and that solitude will allow you to fall in love with yourself.
- Don't block or run out of emotions for the people you no longer want contact with. The gravest mistake that might feel satisfying at first but will make you worse off later. Keep track and let them track you. Gain supreme stability and balance of mind.
- First love is unforgettable but that doesn't mean you keep on reminding yourself of the breakup. Remember the good times and cherish them.
- Allow the new someone to come in and take their place and let them go when they want but that nowhere means hurting anyone's feelings. It's the change in you that will allow you to love selflessly.
- Connect with people who add something to your values, to your life, who make you learn new things, who enjoys your company, and let them settle in.
- Find an intersection of heartbreak and growth via Self-compassion, it is an opportunity to sit beside yourselves, witnessing the hurt, without feeling the urgency to get rid of it, helps quiet emotional centers in our brain that are often over-activated in times of heartbreaks.
Always remember, Finding a new 'YOU' is more valuable than fishing the dead from a dark pond. Embrace the change!
If you have any other unique opinions to share, write to me. And stay tuned for more.
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